Muse for All

the course of daily musings never did run smooth.

Month: October, 2012

Thank you, Me

I don’t think people take enough time to reflect and be thankful for themselves and certain aspects of their personality or their characteristics. Today, I will take the opportunity to mention things about myself that I am thankful for, and what I wish to improve upon.

Things I am thankful for:
– my strength
– my bravery
– my naivety as it causes people who might have the intention to hurt me great guilt when they realize how I approach them with kindness
– my positivism
– my light in dark times
– my ability to search for a lesson or a strength that comes from each struggle or weakness
– my ability to listen
– having the wisdom and experience that I believe I am able to share with others who might need it
– my drive
– my internal drive to nurture

Things I need to work on:
Something I have been having great struggle with lately is my expression of emotion. I find great difficulty in sharing with others how I appreciate them, how they make me feel, how I feel about them, etc. I feel robotic at times, unable to get the words out, or stumbling over my words as I try to bashfully explain what is going on in my head. A year ago today I lost a friend who was taken far too soon before her time. I am not sure that I ever let her know how much I appreciated her kindness, her love, her smile. It has taught me to take great care into letting people know what they mean to me, because you never know when they won’t be around anymore. Yet, I still find myself struggling to climb that wall. I love with such deepness, I care with such overpowering intensity, yet I can’t seem to share this with people most important to me. When I reflect upon why I don’t open up and allow myself to be a big ball of mush with people that are important to me, I come to the following conclusions:
– I am afraid it is a sign of weakness, I am afraid of the vulnerability of it all
– I am afraid of manipulation, of my feelings being used against me
– I am afraid of being hurt
– I worry about whether things are better left unsaid, I worry about change
My main concern about opening myself up to others and letting them see how I really feel about them, or even showing them emotion beyond my smiles and my happiness, is vulnerability. I have worked so hard to bring myself to where I am in my life, I have struggled to make happiness and personal strength a priority, that I am afraid that admitting to myself and to others that they could be one of the catalysts to this happiness would cause me to lose a little bit of my personal power. It makes me feel as though my happiness is no longer reliant on me alone, but now someone else has some responsibility in the matter. I am afraid to pass on the torch. I am afraid to give someone else some of that power in fear of them abusing it or using it against me or, worse off, leaving it to rot. So, by containing my feelings, by ignoring them, by trying not to acknowledge anything my heart might be responsive to, by stumbling over what I have to say when I try and share it with another, I am, in some way, shape or form, defending myself and protecting myself.

It is a silly defense mechanism as I would like, more than anything, to really feel again. I have said it before; there is no use to my walls. I’d like to overcome them.
I am thankful for many things about myself, and I also thankful for the ability to recognize things about myself that I wish to change. It is a strength, I find, and it is difficult to admit to oneself. I take pride in my ability to see what is wrong with me because I know it will help make me a better person in the future.

What are you thankful for about yourself? What do you hope to change?
With Love,
Claudia Amendola

The Fill

Sometimes I post private blog posts so that I don’t forget moments and what I was feeling in a specific place at a specific time.
That is the beauty and the horror of the internet; it is the first time in life where all our memories are ordered, usually chronologically, and ready to be relived, reflected upon, perhaps ready to ignite happiness once more or to inflame sadness one thought they had been rid of. I don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t know whether I preferred the days where my memories were stored in my heart or if I prefer these days where I can drown myself in it all, all over again.

 

Much Love,
Claudia mendola