Muse for All

the course of daily musings never did run smooth.

Month: September, 2012

It’s been a while

I haven’t had anxiety in a long time. I do, tonight! It is unexplained, it has no catalyst, it has no source. But it is making my heart race, my breathing short, and my insomnia grow.

All I want to do is sleep but all my body wants to do is deny it from me. And I have no reason as to why this started so I have no way of figuring out how to end it! One moment life is sweet, beautiful, bright… the next, my heart is at it like a jackhammer. What is this craziness!?

HALP! I NEEDS IT!
Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

circles

Everything in my life seems to go full circle. I feel like a bird (“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”). I may migrate when my surroundings aren’t to my liking, but I always return to my home, to where I belong. I begin my life in one place, I change as everything around me changes, but in time I return to where I am meant to be.

 

I was born at McMaster, I returned to McMaster for schooling.
I lived in the Hamilton area as a young child, I return here for my first place on my own as an adult.
I was inspired, at St. Luke’s school, by my grade two teacher to become an educator and I return to the school as a substitute in her class.

These are just a few examples and others are far more private, but I truly feel like I am flying, constantly soaring, gliding to where I am meant to be. And that place always happens to be where it all began.
Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

happiness is a warm gun (bang bang, shoot shoot)

when i hold you in my arms

and i feel my finger on your trigger

don’t you know that no body can do me no harm because…

 

happiness is a warm (yes it is) gunnnnnn!

 

With Love,
Claudia Amendola

A reflection on sadness

My inability to comfortably cry in front of other people makes me feel like a robot. Biting my lip until it bleeds is a sweeter pain than the burn of salty tears running down my cheeks.

Sadness is a pain I don’t want to feel. It hurts me more to relish in it and let it take over than to hide it away. Happiness takes work but it is worth all the time and effort, all the exhaustion. It is not merely a mask to cover the boxed up sadness from before, it is honest happiness. It is finding all the good things, the positive things about a situation which then allows you to box that sadness. It is finding personal greatness in tough situations and using it to erase the dark spots. It’s a taste of sweetness for every bitter bit in one’s life. It is real happiness because it is conquering the sadness, sending it home.

These are just thoughts. I am happy as can be.

Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

Food for the Soul

It’s been a while.

No, this will not be a post about not having posted in a while. I’ve done too many of those. My apologies are moot at this point. But we can all safely say that my attempts to make this a daily occurrence have gone out the window with the arrival of school. With school comes job searching, with job searching comes little to no time to write. I have 15 second intervals between my searches, and that makes for a lot of interrupted writing. So I simply don’t bother.

With the weather getting cooler, with the surroundings altering to suit the season, with Autumn grabbing Summer by the waist and dancing with her slowly, gracefully, smoothly, I begin to notice how I too must change with the seasons. My Summer was fast-paced, busy, eventful, memorable, full of change and happiness, and now my Fall is beginning with a different kind of busy and fast-pace, one that could quickly cause exhaustion if one does not remember to stop and breathe. I have noticed some change in myself (as an individual), as well. Summer had me open, out, about and continuously seeking out time to spend with friends. Autumn has me finding solace in solitude with warm drinks and good books, video games for hours on end, movie watching under warm blankets. I do love Autumn with all its wonder and it’s beauty, but the thought of staying in, cozy, warm, and inspired on a cool and windy September day is just as exciting as a Summer day out and about. The rewards I get in happiness are one in the same, too.

I don’t have much of anything else to say. While inspired, the inspiration comes at times of the night where access to a computer would require me getting out of bed (and that is never something one enjoys doing when the maximum comfort level has been achieved!). I should keep pen and paper near my bed or record my thoughts, but I wonder if they come to me to be shared, blabbed on about, or simply to ponder by my lonesome. Sometimes I feel as though the soul is inspired for various reasons and goes about creating and contemplating in various ways simply for its personal growth rather than sharing. Sometimes food for one soul can be poison to another. Sometimes it is just fine to think, reflect, learn and push away, making room for a meal that can be better shared.

Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

Morning

Morning: my opinion of you is quite torn. While you hold colour and show beauty that differs greatly from other hours of the day, you also whisper into my ear, quietly and confidently, that they need not be seen. It is like you are holding secrets from me and I don’t know whether I even desire to know them.

You exhaust me. Sometimes I wake and greet you and you respond with cold, damp darkness. Morning, that’s not you. Why do you hold onto darkness when you know that belongs to Night? You make me question your intentions; you make me wonder if you are tempting me to continue sleep on purpose, laughing in my weak, tired face.

Why do you do this to me? I want more than anything to get along with you, to embrace you, to love you and jump into you excitedly like I do with Night. But all you do is leave me wanting more sleep and you, more frequently than not, are greeted so as to lead me to tedious affairs. I am so torn. I am so confused that something that holds so much life, vibrancy, promise could also hold so much spite, cruelty, torture.

Morning, I wonder if we will ever get along, if we can ever walk hand in hand with smiles instead of frowns and heavy eyelids. Morning, I wonder if I could ever really love you. You know I want to, but this kind of love will take work on both our parts. Treat me well, Morning, and perhaps I can give you my wide awake heart and soul.

Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

i sat in silence

Whoa, two days of silence. GUILTY! I am guilty. I’d rather not pour out some excuse or try and justify my non-posting actions; I don’t have any excuses, I should have posted. Yes, I’ve been busy, but I should make time for this. It’s just hard to want to make time or to try and focus on my writing when all I do is click for jobs. Alas, back in that grind-o-thangs. It is a horrible, horrible grind. But it is necessary! And sometimes you just have to bite your lip and jump right in.

Alas, I wish I had thoughts of my own to share, but I have nothing of importance. I do, however, have this wonderful quote I just found:

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being ‘in love’ which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.” – St. Augustine

 

With Love,
Claudia Amendola

just another notch on the happiness metre

 

It’s days like today where I really appreciate living on my own. These are the days where I can just take a walk down the street, pick up some fresh cut flowers and organic fruit straight from the farm, and walk them back to my place. It makes the condo really feel like home. It makes me feel all adult-like and stuff (haha)… I really love it. And I love this city more and more each day. I can’t wait until the colours start really changing and the sweaters come on. That’s when the character of these streets shine through at their brightest. I love Hamilton in the fall.

 

Next weekend will be even more splendid than this one has been, so far. Art Crawl (SuperCrawl!) + Symphony of the Goddess (An orchestra playing Zelda Music) + TIFF (to see No Place On Earth). Who could ask for more? I am blessed!

 

I am so happy with this life I am making for myself.
Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

we have to be our own before we can be another’s

These are just thoughts regurgitated out through my fingers onto a computer screen. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Scattered, disorganized, vague, unassuming, general thoughts. Just thoughts. This is what you get.

 

There are thunderstorms right now. Thunderstorms! Spectacular thunderstorms! My projection into the sky! My emotions via the weather. Watch me, hear me, I’m beautiful! It is karaoke day across the street and they are interrupting my rumbling beauty.

 

I really am beginning to love myself. Years were spent thinking I was “okay”, then I progressed to happy with who I am. But now, now I simply love me. I love the kind of human being I am. I feel like I am a good person, an intelligent person, a loving and caring person, a creative person, a calm person, a worry-free person, a person who understands the importance of freedom and encourages it in her relationships with others…. You know, I think I’m quite the catch. Actually, I know I am. But I am not saying this with a pretentious and full-of-myself tone, there is humility in this, I swear it. But I think it is important that someone be able to recognize the good in themselves so that others may also recognize it in them. Confidence is key. Feeling self-assured and proud of who you are and what you have to offer in your relationship with others is important. I really think I’m one of a kind, and I love being the unique human being that I am. I’m proud of it (without being prideful).

 

People spend so much time worrying and obsessing with the past, with what once was, with what could-have-been, with what could be if things were different, with what they once had, with how things once were, that they will not realize how quickly they can lose what they have. And how even more tragic that loss will be, how much more remorse will fill them, how foolish they will feel…. You must step up, move on, and take some risks. It is foolish not to proceed with great change in your life because you are dwelling on great changes in your past. No matter how much time is spent concerned over what once was, it will never change things. I already wrote a post on the waste of time that is “worrying”. You are only hindering progress by becoming consumed by your past. Truly recognize the value of what stands in front of you and how quickly it can vanish if you don’t take action.

 

There are so many reasons in the world to just SMILE. Even if the weight of it all feels heavy at any point in time, it is hard not to be so grateful for SOMETHING that gets you to just break into a smile. Try and remember the things making you smile in your life, right now. What are you grateful for? For me: Generous and caring family, loving friends, my darling Luna, my condo, my neighbourhood, my career, CanMartyrs (“my” school), CanMartyrs staff… I could go on. You get the idea.

 

I should really keep my minor concerns to myself because it seems anyone I speak to about them add more fear to it all then remove any doubt. Negativity never helps a situation! I have learned to just keep quiet and let things roll.

 

That’s all for now!
Stay smiling, keep positive.

Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

 

I tell you this:

Quand il me prend dans ses bras
Il me parle tout bas
Je vois la vie en rose

Better updates coming soon. This I promise. Just listen. Just listen with your heart.

Much Love,
Claudia Amendola