Muse for All

the course of daily musings never did run smooth.

Month: August, 2012

a strange comfort

You know what, I think Kurt Cobain was right when he said “I miss the comfort in being sad.” Some people are so caught up in this hole they’ve dug themselves that they actually learn to love it. And why wouldn’t you? When you’re upset, you can complain about things non-stop, you can react negatively towards any stimulus and you have an excuse for it, you can get all your friends and family to comfort you, feel sorry for you, make them go out of their way to make you happy and if they don’t try to do that for you, you can hold it against them and blame it on your mood. There is comfort in being sad because being perpetually sad is LAZY.

Sure, I might be a little harsh with this post, and I might piss a handful of people off who perhaps suffer from things like depression and the like, but I’ve been there myself so I am speaking from personal experience. It is truly, without any doubt, the lazy way to live. You don’t have to look for reasons to be happy, you can simply blame anything you want on your disappointment with the world. You don’t have to make an effort to find light in the darkness, you can just let the darkness swallow you whole and say you’ve tried hard enough. You don’t have to do anything when you’re sad and you have an excuse for it all. You don’t have to be kind to anyone and you have an excuse for it. You can get mad at anyone you want and blame it on your sadness. There are so many excuses, so many shortcuts, so many easy ways out when you are looking for everything that is going wrong in your life instead of getting up and making things better.

Now, I’m not talking about sadness related to the passing of a pet or a family member, I am not talking about sadness related to a traumatic event in your life I am not talking about what any human being would consider justified sadness… I’m talking about the “my life sucks, everything is going wrong, I’m alone, I’m out of work, I hate myself” kind of sadness. This is the sadness that can be changed. This is the pit that can be climbed out of with continuous effort and genuine attempts. I think sitting around and wallowing in self pity as well as actively searching for pity from all those around you is simply a waste of time you could be spending looking and going after your happiness.

Happiness IS a choice. Don’t be lazy. Stop making excuses. Stop trying to find excuses; this takes more effort than the search for happiness. Take the steps to go after it. Climb out of darkness. Look for the light in all places. It can be done and to tell me you have tried with no success means you just need to go at it even stronger than before. I believe in you!

Remember: “Your inner potential cannot develop without your willingness and conscious participation.” – Philip Arnold

Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

 

Post Scriptum: If you’re still feeling sad, maybe this hilarity will help you: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

Bad Poetry

I found this poem saved on my iPad. It’s terrible poetry but I thought I would post it, regardless, since I said I would take more risks today:

Taking the first train to nowhere
An escape is what I need
Lowering my eyes so as to not stare
At the judgmental looks sent my way

Melancholy maniac
Your cracks are what I looked to seal
Not to mark you as flawed or errored
But to lift you up higher with me

Will I see you on the platform?
And is it really what I desire?
Do I miss your lips upon mine
Or the shifted teeth within your smile?
When we pass with no real sighting
Why is the feeling bittersweet?
A slight relief but always longing
My heart, it doth fail to skip a beat

So when I tell myself that I don’t miss you
And when I move on to empty souls
Is my psyche truly thrilled
Or should I expect loneliness to take its toll?

Speak with silent photos scattered
Paint with feelings ne’er yet felt
Lust my lips, my skin, my smell
Revel in the memories of what you lost

Sail on on seas you feared
Take the plunge in waters deep
Grin again at sights, at sounds, at tastes anew
Forgiving for what I could never give you

But I won’t blame you if you don’t
I would feel just the same
with my pathetic attempts at escape
And loveless escapades
I am undeserving
And so I lower my eyes…. But with no regrets.

Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

Strength to Walls

I think all this strength I am giving myself via positivism, optimism and continuously making an effort to be happy is causing me to create walls. At first they began as walls against negativity, against dramatics, against anything set out to bring me down, but now I’m beginning to think they are turning into walls against anything that may potentially make me happy, but which hold no long-term guarantee. It is a very strange feeling as I have never felt so, I wouldn’t say guarded or even distant, but perhaps disconnected. Like all switches on my fuse box are flipped except for one, the one that involves taking a risk.

I am really trying to better myself as each day progresses. I think walls hinder progress. I think of walls as shutting out oneself off from a beautiful, luscious garden where, yes, poisonous plants exist, branches with spines will try to scratch you and make you bleed, but the sweetest fruit does grow, and the softest grass just waiting for one’s bare feet. Eventually the vines will attach themselves to these walls either breaking through them with the strength at which nature takes on everything or climb up and around them. There is no escaping the garden. I am just making it more difficult for myself and for the beauty and happiness to swallow me whole because I’m afraid of some burrs or some thorns. I’m going to make a conscious effort to build my walls around the garden rather than cutting the garden off.

I’m going to take some risks.
I’m not going to be afraid of getting hurt or unhappy simply out of fear of breaking this optimistic flow I’ve got going here.
I need to remind myself of my strength, of my bravery, and that I can survive a few bumps, scratches, bites and bleeding that the garden may bring my way. I am strong. I am sensitive, but I have strength beyond compare. That is something I really pride myself in and value about myself. I love my strength. So what am I afraid of? I’m bulletproof!

Today, I will take the first step. Today, I will pull out that bottom brick.
Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

Yikes

Almost missed another day of posting!

Let’s just say today there are more reasons to smile than yesterday. And tomorrow there will be even MORE. Life is beautiful. My heart is happy.

Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

Pause

Okay, so I had a bit of a brief hiatus on my posting. I said I wouldn’t do this but you know how bad I am at following my own rules. I am a terrible influence on myself!

Let’s talk a bit more about FanExpo… On Saturday, I went dressed as X-23 from the Marvel series (she is a genetic clone of Wolverine). SO many people asked for a photo of me or with me! I honestly felt like a celebrity. It was my first time dressing up at a con and I’m totally glad I tried it out because I’m going to do it every year, now!

I didn’t put very much effort into this costume (it cost me 12 dollars to put together) so next time I dress up for a con, I will try to make my costume look a bit more impressive and I will also give harder costumes a shot! There are some pretty impressive costumes that you can buy online these days, but I worry about the repetition of  costumes purchased online. I picked X-23 because her costume was simple, effective, I have the hair&eyes to match her, it would require little planning in so short a time, and because it’s a character not many people do at cons. I saw one other X-23 there while I saw about 10 Poison Ivys or 20 Catwomen. I liked the uniqueness of my outfit and I LOVED when people shouted “OH MY GOD X-23!!” It was an exciting feeling. For a moment you feel like a celebrity because they are recognizing you IN character, just like some people see Will Smith and recognize him as the “Fresh Prince”. It was way too neat, I can’t describe the feeling. All I know is that I’d like to experience it again so I plan on making costume a yearly routine and I want to make a bit more impressive of a costume next time.

 

I don’t have much else to say. I had a very busy few days from Thursday onward to today and I’ve been running all over the place. Because of this, exhaustion sets in pretty quickly and my brain doesn’t function as it should. I was hoping to catch up on two missed days with a more meaningful post, but that will have to wait. I have graphic novels to read and sleep to steal.

 

Keep on smiling! Stay positive!
Much Love,
Claudia Amendola

I Rule Like Eddard

You know when you go somewhere and you tell yourself, “This is what heaven must be like”? Yeah, that was FanExpo.

I was over-loaded and overwhelmed. I met Gavin Blair the creator of Reboot (my youth). I was feet away from Stan Lee listening to his hilarity. I met wonderful artists and purchased some fabulous prints for my Geek Wall. I just had a great time surrounded by people geeking out just as hard as me. I was in my happy place. It was like a comic book store times a billion.

One thing I must do is create a “FanExpo” savings account just for when I go. The temptation of phenomenal items is absolutely excruciating. I so badly wish to collect statues, but the cost is deterring me right now. I think a savings account is the solution to this problem. Imagine… 50 dollars a month going in there throughout the year. IMAGINE!!??? I’d be able to get a Deadpool statue that was calling my name (in more than one voice)….

I cannot wait to go back on Saturday. Simply cannot wait.

With Love,
Claudia Amendola

Happy Birthday, My Booger

 

Thank you for the happiness you have brought to my life. Thank you for the wet kisses, the warm snuggles, for never judging me, for always showing my affection, for the sweet stares and the protective growls. You are simply a joy to have in my life and I am so lucky to have found you on March 1st 2012 in the HBSPCA shelter. I knew as soon as I saw you that I’d want to take you home with me and keep you forever. You are a sweet little gem and you mean the world to me. Happy fifth birthday, my little Booger… Thanks for coming into my world and into my arms. I love you more than words can express. You have filled a void I never thought would be filled with Elmo’s passing. Thank you for being the wonderful dog you are. I love you!

 

With Love,
Claudia Amendola

The Best Compliment

 

I hung out with a good friend today at this beautiful spot in Burlington. I’ve known him for ten years of my life. We have been through each other’s ups, we have been through each other’s downs. We have seen one another at our happiest times, we have seen one another in our saddest times. We have laughed with one another, we have cried with one another. We have talked each other through difficult moment’s in one another’s life and have shared in the contentment of the happy moments in one another’s lives. He is someone I can always call, regardless of how long of a hiatus we might have between our get-togethers or even our conversations, and I know he will always be willing to grab a coffee and catch up or just listen. He is someone I trust with a lot of my secrets and he is someone who trusts me with his own. We have a great friendship that has always existed and will continue to exist no matter what happens in our lives.

 

This friend complimented me with something I have never been told before (at least, not to my face and not in this manner). He said, “I’d marry you.” These three words were far more powerful than he could imagine. There was nothing suggestive about this comment. He is deeply in love with his significant other and plans to, in fact, spend the long-term with her, so there was no secondary intent behind it. Those three words said far more to me than any other compliment has ever done. What he said simply by stating “I’d marry you” was:
– that I’m “worth it”
– that I’m valued
– that I shouldn’t sell myself short
– that I am a good person
– that I am someone that people should want to spend the long-term with
– that I am Betty and not Veronica
– that a male who is involved with me should feel lucky
This is not a comment he would just say to any female, and my friend has standards with who he dates (he doesn’t date Veronicas, he dates Bettys). After knowing him for ten years, this is, without question, the best compliment he has ever given me, because I know the intent behind it is genuine and sincere appreciation of me and who I am. I gave him a really big hug after he said this because it reassured me of the kind of human being I am and of the life I am leading, of my character, my personality, how I am appearing to individuals (and to the opposite sex) and how I am seen by others close to me. It made me feel spectacular. It was one of the best compliments (and I am sure he didn’t even intend to compliment — I believe he was just stating his opinion) that I have ever received because of all the meaning behind it. It was wonderful to hear.

 

He has certainly made my week with this and I feel even closer to him as a friend because of it. He has known me for ten years, he has me figured out pretty well, inside and out, and it was the most genuine, innocent and kindest thing I have heard from someone close to me.

 

With Love,
Claudia Amendola

the timing will never be perfect so you might as well start now

 

I ignored this quote when I first saw it. I didn’t think it applied to my life and while I agreed with it, it didn’t move me. But I was wrong: it does apply to my life. And it was very important to hear when it came from the mouth of my best friend Dan earlier this evening while we were discussing different things going on in my life. It was only when he said it that I realized how true it is, how right he was.

 

I was sharing with Dan a certain situation in my life in which I was justifying my reasons for not being involved with something. He plainly told me that all my justification was unnecessary because the timing will never be perfect, I will never completely sort out all my personal concerns, and that’s just the way life works. He was right. There are some things in my life, there are some emotions, that I simply will never be able to completely get under control. There are some personal situations that have occurred to me that will leave wounds that will never completely heal and I would be a fool to sit around, watching them, hoping to see the scar tissue fade. I sit and think and hope that the “right time” to go for something or commit to something that I desire will just appear out of no where but Dan was right in saying there is never going to be that “right moment”. I am delaying the inevitable. I am trying to justify why I am not committing myself to difficult choices and decisions in my life. I am trying to make excuses for not going for something in order to play it safe. The best idea is to just take the risk, jump with your eyes closed, and to not be afraid to possibly make mistakes, get things wrong, get a little hurt, or have to take a few steps back after you’ve taken a few steps in, in order to make sure it all plays out okay.

 

The point Dan was making, and the point that quote is trying to make, is that to wait around for something to be “perfectly right”, where all stars align, where nothing is confusing, where there is no challenge, where there is no personal struggle or emotional issues, that time will NEVER happen. If life is happening, all those complications will continue to happen. And to hope they’ll all vanish into thin air upon some reflection, some contemplation, or simply with a whole lot of time is a foolish thing to do. You are more likely to lose great opportunities by sitting around and mending scar tissue than by simply jumping in with both feet and hoping for the best.

 

Carpe Diem was not a lie, but it would have been better said as “Seize your life”.

Just go for it. You have more to lose by sleeping by the sidelines, wondering what it would be like if you went for it.

 

With Love,
Claudia Amendola

 

Grand Optimist

then there’s my father
he’s always looking on the bright side
saying things like “son, life just ain’t that hard”
he is the grand optimist
I am the world’s poor pessimist
you give him burdensome times
and he will escape unscarred

I suppose I’m somewhat of a hippie. But I don’t eat right. But I don’t dress the part. But I take showers daily. But I brush my hair. But I play guitar rather poorly. But I don’t join in on protests. But I don’t scream my anger at “the man”. But I don’t avoid all institutions.

But I am extremely carefree, optimistic, positive…

I suppose my outlook and behaviour towards life is comparable to the mindset of hippies in that sense.

When life gets tough, there’s a lesson to be learned.
When there is darkness, find that spot of light.
When the world on your shoulders seems to get too heavy, keep lifting with your legs.
When someone stabs you in the back, the wound will heal.
When a heart breaks, time will do it’s duty.
When dramatics pour through, breathe and walk away.
When you think you’re angry, logic will make it’s way through in silence.
When you keep on fighting with no success, your win will come.
When someone keeps trying to bring you down, it is only because they envy how high you are.
When someone doubts you, gain satisfaction by working to make them see the truth.
When the big things don’t seem to be going your way, focus on the small things that are.
When the storm comes tumbling through when you need it the least, treasure the sun that appears when you need it the most.
When life seems so hard, remember how good you’ve got it.

I suppose I’m somewhat of a hippie in thinking that there is all good in the bad, all happiness from the sad, all light in the darkness, all gain in struggles.
I suppose I’ve got the hippie mentality.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
With Love,
Claudia Amendola